‘I can’t do this!’, ‘I don’t want to do this’ and ‘WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE?!’.

Another 9hrs later and it was time to push. YES it’s go time! I have to say, trying to push when you can’t feel anything is quite bizarre.. ‘am I doing it right?’ I remember asking as it felt so silly.

After an hr of pushing  with still no baby and multiple doctors and midwives coming through, I got the verdict. My baby was stuck and her neck was bent in my cervix. I needed an emergency c-section… I instantly burst into tears. I felt ashamed and let down by my own body.

I was wheeled out of my labour ward, completely anxious of what was to come and prepped for my surgery. I started feeling nauseous, they gave me meds for that… I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open, they gave me more meds and the nausea started again in a vicious cycle. This wasn’t what I had planned at all.

The next 24hrs were a blur. I was so exhausted and in a lot of pain. I was devastated with my ‘birth plan’ and felt incompetent as a woman. I felt let down and devastated.

Now, 3 years later I have come to terms with my daughters birth. It was by no means perfect but what birth is? I am now grateful I was able to have my baby with modern interventions so she and I survived and were healthy. My Birth Plan was completely thrown out of the window, but I’m okay with that. Birth is birth at the end of the day, its messy, unpredictable and above all else, amazing, and I thank my body for what it gave me.