Birth of any kind is BIRTH. I went into labour with my first 5 days overdue. I had a birth plan, one that everyone told me not to have but I was ready. I was determined to have a birth story as natural and inspiring as I could and I wanted to do it on my own and be able to say that! But I just like a lot of things in life, you can only control so much, if that. 

We checked in to the family birthing centre that night and I was sure I would be at least half way. ‘Only 3cm’ the midwife said as I cringed. This pain is going to get a whole lot worse and I started having thoughts of ‘I can’t do this!’, ‘I don’t want to do this’ and ‘WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE?!’. 

After hours of laps around the labour ward and shower after shower, the midwife suggested I get into the labour bath. Yes!! I had never done meditation or ‘be one with myself’ but in that bath, I was in my element. ‘I CAN do this’ I thought. It was a relief, complete and utterly. I had my control back!

‘I can’t do this!’, ‘I don’t want to do this’ and ‘WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE?!’.

8hrs after first getting in that bath and still no baby, the midwife checked my cervix. I remember lying on the bathroom floor naked, no dignity intact while the midwife checked me. I couldn’t believe it… ‘your waters haven’t even broken’. You’ve got to be kidding me! The pain from the force of my waters breaking was excruciating. I was reaching my limit when told I had stopped dilating and was still at just 3cm.

At this point I couldn’t bare it anymore, 18hrs of labour so far and I was exhausted. I asked for an epidural and to be transferred to the hospital. They gave me gas as I started having spasm contrations and couldn’t hold still long enough for the epidural to go in. Once that kicked into gear, it was instant relief… WHAT WAS I THINKING?! The epidural was amazing and I couldn’t believe I had gone this long without it. Classic me, trying to be a hero. 

Another 9hrs later and it was time to push. YES it’s go time! I have to say, trying to push when you can’t feel anything is quite bizarre.. ‘am I doing it right?’ I remember asking as it felt so silly.

After an hr of pushing  with still no baby and multiple doctors and midwives coming through, I got the verdict. My baby was stuck and her neck was bent in my cervix. I needed an emergency c-section… I instantly burst into tears. I felt ashamed and let down by my own body.

I was wheeled out of my labour ward, completely anxious of what was to come and prepped for my surgery. I started feeling nauseous, they gave me meds for that… I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open, they gave me more meds and the nausea started again in a vicious cycle. This wasn’t what I had planned at all.

As soon as I heard those newborn cries I couldn’t believe it. She was actually here, finally! It felt surreal. I started crying with relief she was out of me and healthy. I watched them measure and weigh her.. a huge 8.12lb! I couldn’t wait to hold her.

The next 24hrs were a blur. I was so exhausted and in a lot of pain. I was devastated with my ‘birth plan’ and felt incompetent as a woman. I felt let down and devastated.

 

Now, 3 years later I have come to terms with my daughters birth. It was by no means perfect but what birth is? I am now grateful I was able to have my baby with modern interventions so she and I survived and were healthy. My Birth Plan was completely thrown out of the window, but I’m okay with that. Birth is birth at the end of the day, its messy, unpredictable and above all else, amazing, and I thank my body for what it gave me.